Tuesday, August 12, 2008


Rage. I has it.

Had a LOVELY chat with the Cook County Police Monday morning, about 2 AM. Our mailbox had been destroyed. AGAIN. That's twice in 8 days.


Here's how it went (cue the 'way back when' music).... After I came home seasick , I had a glass (or 2) of wine with OddJob, took a Lunesta and went to bed.

Woke up at about 1:30 AM to the sound of... fireworks? Lifted my head and looked out the window

Where I saw: nothing.

So I went back to sleep (kinda noticing that OddJob wasn't IN bed with me, and I think lights were on in the house?) but totally not caring but too sleepy...

About 20 minutes later, I hear a RACKET.

Look outside window again (OK, like this, but dark like 2 AM)

Only this time, there is a total piece of shit somewhat beatup, ancient silver vehicle that I can ALMOST see in front of our mailbox.

What, you can't see a mailbox? (THANK YOU. Please explain this to the Cops when you see them).

It's right THERE. Behind the tree. Next to where the car was.

Anyyywayyyyy.......... from what I could HEAR, at least one kid was working feverishly, BY HAND, not a baseball bat to be heard, destroying our mailbox and ripping the post out of the ground.

UNDER the streetlamp.

They may be destructive, but at least they're stupid.

I SPRING out of bed and run downstairs (again noting that all the lights are on, the front door is open, and OddJob is busily sawing logs, passed out on the couch, totally oblivious).

At this point, either the moronic kids were done destructing, or they saw me, but they hopped into their muffler-less piece of crap car and took off.

Oddly, I did NOT get a good description of the vehicle or the kids. Thanks to the great view of our mailbox from the front door.

Which would be like this, only darker at 2 AM.

So I start yelling like a banshee, which only SLIGHTLY rouses OddJob, and I'm yelling things like 911 and COPS and KIDS and MAILBOX...

... and he looks at me as if he was thinking Who ARE you? blearily, doesn't speak, and slowly walks UPSTAIRS. (We will discover later that he had a glass of wine WITH me - then finished the bottle and had 2 more. Way to go there, OddJob! <-- insert eyeroll here).

I'm still fuming and raging and tired and drugged (Lunesta, that's my story and I'm sticking to it) and just RAGING. I dial 911, then hang up thinking "well that's dumb, I'll just google the Cook County Sheriff".. not realizing that if you call 911 and hang up, they call you BACK.

The phone rings, it's 911. Oh crap. So I give them my totally reasonable sounding and completely coherent version of events.

At which point OddJob comes BACK downstairs (he's apparently been upstairs, wandering around, for about 10 minutes) and announces triumphantly:

"The kids aren't in the mailbox! They're in their ROOMS!"

Seriously, I was almost widowed at that point.

Anywayyyyy................. after a conversation with 911, they send over...... easily the most desperately bored police officer I've ever met. This guy wouldn't LEAVE. He took my shut up OddJob, I made way more sense than YOU did totally coherent statement, wrote up an incident report, and left. Finally.

Oh, and they took out the neighbors mailbox too. Only they weren't home. So we took the pieces and left them on their front porch, leading them to believe that the hooligans responsible were at least REMARKABLY polite.

And a week goes by. And nothing.

And then - Monday AM, 1:30, I wake up to see..........a total piece of shit somewhat beatup, ancient silver vehicle behind my tree, and a kid working like the devil to destroy our NEW mailbox, BY HAND.

Literally, there's superglue holding it together.

I am STILL torqued off. Even figured out how to rig up an ancient webcam as a motion sensing detector and got these pics Tuesday night

and this

Yes, I know. They suck.

What I REALLY need is a decent focal length IR video camera connected to a joystick and a gatling gun.

But I'm betting that's illegal. Sigh.

Because you KNOW these idiots will be BACK. (fume, fume).

So if you have any GREAT ideas (that won't injure the mail carrier) now is the time!!


hokgardner said...

I laughed out loud at oddjob's announcement that the kids weren't in the mailbox.

But I don't have any suggestions on good ways to protect the mailbox.

SMEANJ said...

"I laughed out loud at oddjob's announcement that the kids weren't in the mailbox."
Me too - and I needed that!!! Thx! :-)

As for the mailbox... how about spike strips laid in the immediate vicinity of said mailbox? Taking them up in the morning before the mailman comes by, of course.

Hmmm, could tick off neighbors driving near curb as well. Okay, okay, I'll work on something better...